Is it Safe? Dental Fascism a Dead Floss

I bloody well knew it… All those years of angst and guilt surrounding countless visits to the dentist’s chair were a needless terror.

Anybody with a modicum of nous must hate the idea of dental floss and the mind-numbing business of standing in front of the bathroom mirror (especially late at night) gazing down your own throat as you see-saw that bloody oral string between your teeth, because brushing your teeth like a mad bastard is now no longer good enough for your tooth-doctor. You have to floss religiously because while your teeth might be fine, your bloody gums are in danger of falling out. Apparently.

Bloody beauty-obsessed Americans are at the root of this… Them and several generations of puritanical, anal-retentive and parsimonious dental practitioners on a floss kick (surely not kick-back!) as a labour-saving dart that gets them out of using to much elbow grease on giving your fangs a scrape for fear of damaging their golf swing later.

According to a report in The Times today (21 November 2012 – times 2) US oral hygiene-bitches use nearly 5 million kilometres of the stuff every year. But in the same report columnist Helen Rumbelow reports on a silver-haired dental professional of impeccable bona fides Dr Ellie Philips and her new book Kiss Your Dentist Goodbye (Greenleaf Book Group Press ISBN-13:978-1-929774-67-8).

Salvation is here for all sufferers of periodontal disease (aka pyorrhoea, aka yugh, aka Eeeeeuuuw!) because Dr Philips here outlines a cogent and articulate case for ditching the floss and the bathroom- mirror-Walking-Dead-gape in favour of a hassle-free regimen of Ultradex / mouthwash and xylitol. Tests proved performance improvements over flossing of up to 50%.

This has to be the best news of the year so far. And what’s more it doesn’t qualify as aggressive tax avoidance or even child abuse so you can go dental mental.

By the same token, our sympathies do go out to any disciples of the late Mr Zappa (may the ghost of Frank shower blessings upon them) who may have moved to Montana to raise them up a crop of den’al floss in the hope of making a killing. (“..raisin it up… waxin’ it down…” #zirconiumencrustedtweezersforsale)